I picked this post to recycle because, at 26 months, many of these feelings still ring true. Maybe a little less powerfully and a little less frequently, but they are still there. Just this morning, with my mom in town, I took my little girl out running errands by herself. She had a blast. I had a blast. We had some special time together and hit five different places—my work, the post office, the library, CVS and Dunkin Donuts (for a treat for me (caffienated) and her (no caffeine). This is about three errands more than I would ever attempt with the two of them together. She was sweet, easy and charming the entire time. Not, perhaps, how I would always describe her on our trips out as a threesome.
So, I’m going to admit to the un-admitable here for a MOT. Sometimes I have one baby envy. Not that I don’t love my kiddos, because I do. Not that I have a baby picked out that I would choose not to have (at least not since Danny stopped waking up every two hours, ALL NIGHT LONG, to breastfeed. At six months). But, twins were never in my long-range plan. I wasn’t the little girl who thought having twins would be fun. I wasn’t even the newlywed who thought twins would be great. It wasn’t until I had experienced two years of infertility and a failed round of IVF that twins started looking pretty fantastic. That got me through the first nine months or so, saying things like, “I wouldn’t change this for the world!” and “Twins are so much more fun than just one baby!”. And it’s true, I wouldn’t. And they are. But…..lately I’ve been looking around and feeling a bit of one baby envy. A friend tells me about a trip to California site-seeing when their baby was 11 months old. Um, no thanks. I can’t even imagine the stress and lack of sleep that would occur if I tried that with TWO babies. (Props to those of you who might be planning such a trip). I see a couple out to dinner with their six month old. At six months, I was simply trying to survive. Besides, my kids melt down by 6pm—no dinners out for us. Friends start to talk about baby #2. Baby #2? We’ve GOT baby #2. And my husband begins yelling very loudly, “I can’t hear you!” with fingers in ears if the topic of another baby ever comes up. Mommy and me yoga. Baby swimming classes. Running into a store/friend’s house/work with one baby propped on my hip—no stroller or carseats involved. Getting a babysitter. Do you know how many teenagers are NOT into watching two babies? Shocking, really.
And then my babies got sick. Not a little cold or an ear infection sick, but two weeks of every symptom imaginable, rotating through our household one by one. Vomiting for 12 hours (which my husband and I had the pleasure of experiencing as well), fevers (104.2 for Abigail), ear infection (Abigail again), probable pneumonia (also Abigail) and for the duration, clingy, sad, needy babies. Times two. Who ONLY wanted…yep, you guessed it…Mommy. Not Daddy, who is usually Abigail’s favorite person ever. Not my mom. Not the sitter. Me. It’s hard to hold two babies, much less comfort and care for two inconsolable little ones. All I wanted to do was let Abigail nap on me for two hours, since it’s the only place she’d sleep. But Danny needed to be held, and changed, and fed. So I would have to disrupt her, put her down, listen to her cry, while I took care of Danny. And then Danny would cry when I picked up Abigail. Fun times, really. So, I’ll admit it. The past few weeks, I’ve been pretty down on the two babies at a time thing. I love my kids. I’m so happy I finally got to have them. But, boy does that one baby only thing look fun sometimes. Especially when I’m juggling two babies in my arms, an iced coffee and a bag of groceries and I drop my keys. (Yeah, I think the neighbors watch out the windows all day just to get to catch amusing incidents like this). So, I’ve been in a pissy mood. And I feel even worse when I feel guilty about my one baby envy (made worse by a fellow MOT who said to me, while I was in the thick of it, twins are so great, I NEVER wish there was only one. Yeah, the mommy guilt really went nuts over that one. ) Of course, then I look at their cute little faces, or at them giggling with each other, and it’s hard to have one baby envy for long. It helps that they are no longer sick. The envy will will return at some point soon, I’m sure…….probably the next time I walk by a mom carrying her (one) baby out of Dunkin’ Donuts, happily sipping on the iced coffee she’s got in her other hand.